The Case for Civility
March 10, 2004

Whatever happened to manners?

Though our society often laments the demise of manners and common courtesies, I'm pleased to inform you that they are still alive and well, at least in some quarters — in particular, the Navy and Marine Corps.

The other day I was having lunch at the Officers Club with Brad and Debbie Sickler. Brad and I started out in the Navy Chaplain Corps together back in 1984. Like me, Brad is a reservist, pastoring a church in Oil City, western Pennsylvania. Debbie came to spend some time with her husband before he deploys to Iraq.

At the Club, there are several dining areas. The one we were in is very cozy with no more than four people to a table and many tables set for only two. It is at such places that you are likely to see people you know. However, what struck me was how people show respect for each other. Granted, this is a military facility, so rank counts for something in all this, but it is shown equally by those of high and low rank toward each other. It's refreshing!

This may sound corny but I wish restaurants had dress codes again. Remember when many restaurants required that a man wear a coat and tie? A man's behavior tends to improve when he is dressed for the occasion. While visiting my brother and sister-in-law in Virginia last year, we drove to Williamsburg for a round of golf, followed by dinner at a nice restaurant. For the first time in probably forty years, I found myself in a restaurant that still maintained a dress code. It was wonderful!

Civility is sorely lacking in our society these days. There is just something about "Yes, sir," "No, Ma'am," "Thank you," "May I help you?" that generally makes people behave decently. Even within the church there is little in the way of respect shown when addressing those who are older, or who have attained a position through personal endeavor or academic pursuit. The Bible says we should show proper respect to everyone (I Peter 2:17).

My grandmother (we called her "Bambi") was born and raised in the Boston area. I remember visiting her home in Concord, Massachusetts. It seemed like such a big house! Bambi was the epitome of manners, always carrying herself with dignity and grace. Later, when I was ten, she moved in with our family. At that time, she had been a widow for seven years. I learned many things from her, but most memorable was the value of good manners. In the evening when we would gather around the dinner table, either I, my brother John, or Pop (our step-father) would seat Bambi at the table. Unless you were the one pulling her chair out to seat her, you were expected to stand and remain standing until she had been seated. If you happened to be sitting when she approached the table, she would stand by her chair and wait until one of us miscreants saw her and did our duty. She did not have to say anything. Her body language spoke volumes! This was performed for each woman at the table, including my mother and my sister, Joy.

Many more such courtesies were part of my upbringing, like holding the door for a woman, walking on the curbside of the sidewalk while accompanying a woman and standing when a woman entered the room. You never wore a hat in the house! You were expected to help a woman in and out of the car (and Bambi had a beautiful 1940 Plymouth ragtop! But that's another article). You always removed your hat when speaking to a woman. At the dinner table, you served the ladies first.

I guess I can put it like this: Being gentlemanly was fun because Bambi made it fun. I truly enjoyed the courtesies, and the showing of respect. Make no mistake! Bambi was a lot of fun. I miss that.

Over the years, I have run into some interesting situations when it came to common courtesies. One occurred when I was a student at San Jose State University in the mid-70s. As I exited my apartment, I remember meeting up with a girl from one of my classes. As we walked along the sidewalk, I moved instinctively to the curbside. She stopped and asked what I was doing. When I told her, she declared in a loud voice that I was being ridiculous, that she was a liberated woman and she certainly didn't need a man to look after her, etc., etc. She marched off and left me standing there. At that moment, I preferred my own company to hers!

Many times women have said it was not necessary to hold the door, or stand when they were being seated. They always seemed to be embarrassed that a man would show deference. I was taught that it was a sign of respect. I still believe that. Often the woman would say something like, "Oh, you don't have to do that," to which I would reply, saying, "You're right. I do not have to. I choose to. And you wouldn't want me to go against the way I was raised would you?"

Over the years, my daughters have heard me tell them that they should never consider getting involved with a man who did not take common courtesies seriously.

In fact, I am convinced that common courtesies would return virtually overnight if women would send the message that they expect to be treated with civility. The male of the species are a bit slow, but they would get the message real quick. Moreover, the world would be a better place.

It could happen.