my husband and I are visual opposites. I’m short, he’s tall; I have dark hair, his is light. But internally, we’re cut from the same cloth. We both have stubborn streaks a mile wide! This means that when we have disagreed on issues, we have argued heartily. I have often tried desperately to persuade him to come around to my way of thinking. Then, after 20 years of arguing, God — who is not afraid of working slowly — quietly pointed me to 2 Timothy 2:24-25 (KJV): “And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, in meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth …” Here I found a new way to argue — the way God uses to open stubborn hearts like mine to the truth.

gentleness
I have been harsh with my husband. I hold him to a different standard than I hold myself. When I sin I expect God’s mercy. Yet I have shown little mercy to my husband when I think he’s wrong. I’m learning to respond to my husband with gentleness when we disagree because that’s how Jesus responds to me when I’m wrong. Gentleness becomes a natural response when I realize I am so wrong so many times, and yet God is merciful to me.

Practically speaking, gentleness takes a different tone and approach. Before, I confronted my husband with statements like, “I can’t believe you said that,” or “It’s ridiculous to think that way …” Now I appeal to him with a clarifying question such as, “Do you mean …?” or I tell him, without accusing him, that “it hurts my feelings when you say …”
Jesus is changing me. I am becoming less like the steward who was harsh and exacting toward those indebted to him in spite of the great debt he was forgiven.

patience
I am not a patient person, but the Holy Spirit is. He allows people time to grapple with questions. He waits and guides lovingly without hurry. In the verse cited, Paul reminds Timothy that the Holy Spirit reveals truth. I cannot cajole or persuade my husband into understanding something God has not yet led him to.

Tim Keller, pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York City says, “We are courteous and careful with people. We don’t have to push or coerce them, for it is only God’s grace that opens hearts, not our eloquence or persistence or even their openness.”

Early in our marriage, my husband and I were friends with a young Brazilian pastor and his wife. When my husband told them he didn’t care to read the Old Testament, I wanted to say, “It’s Scripture, just like the New Testament!” But the wise young pastor asked, “Why don’t you like to read the Old Testament?” Rather than making a rash statement like mine, the pastor’s simple question helped my husband explain how he often found the Old Testament dry and not easily applicable. The pastor’s approach left my husband open to hearing his thoughts on the subject. My response would have left him feeling hurt, defensive and unwilling to discuss his views. My approach often resulted in missed opportunities to grow in the grace and knowledge of the Lord together.

Responding with patience rather than impatience leaves mutual respect intact, allows us to hear each other’s wisdom, and makes way for God, the Mover of Hearts, to shed His light on our understanding.

humility
I have been so proud. I have always taken opposing views personally. Pride keeps me from hearing my husband’s viewpoint because I think he should be listening to mine. For many years, I blamed our struggles on him. I was blind to my own sin in each disagreement. I was like the Pharisee arrogantly thanking God that he wasn’t like the sinner next to him. I couldn’t understand why God didn’t improve our relationship but I pridefully thought choosing to stay in what had become a difficult marriage was a testimony of my faithfulness.

But then I had a conversation with a very wise woman at church. She told me she asks God to show her how she has sinned in every argument with her husband. This may sound like a simple step, but after my arguments with my husband, I was too busy fuming to consider how I might have sinned. My advisor pointed out that if her husband accuses her of lying, and she self-righteously responds “I don’t lie!,” while he may be wrong to falsely accuse her, she is equally guilty of arrogance and self-righteousness. I was blind to the sins of the heart that Jesus warned against. “But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment … anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell” (Matthew 5:22). Even if my husband was wrong, when at the height
of our argument I was thinking he was a fool — I was sinning too!

Humility draws us to the throne of grace where we receive mercy for our sins and find grace to help us love our fellow sinner.

I have so far to go. I can still be so defensive, so argumentative. My only hope is that the Spirit of Christ is at work kneading His imprint into my life. I am encouraged because I do see improvement. I am more readily ashamed of being argumentative toward my husband. I am quicker to admit that I blast him unfairly and unnecessarily. This is marked improvement from when I stood in judgment and could never see where I was wrong.

God is faithful. As He works gentleness, patience and humility into my heart, He is showing me how to really win an argument.