There I was, an ordained pastor of seven years, and I wasn't sure if God loved me, or if there even was a God. I knew something was there -- something I had once felt and preached about for years. But now I couldn't grasp it, so I thought that maybe God wasn't happy with me. Fortunately, because I was furthering my education at Asbury Theological Seminary at the time, I wasn't obligated to preach.
That morning we dressed in our finest Sunday clothes and headed off for church. Sunday school passed by without a hitch, and the worship service was beginning. The hymns seemed to drag on for hours. By then I was ready to leave. After all, I wasn't even sure I believed the words coming out of my own mouth. I looked at my watch and then the door. I wondered when the nightmare would end and I would feel normal again.
The pastor started preaching a "typical" holiness message. He kept saying over and over again, "You must be more like Jesus, you have to be more like Jesus, you should be more like Jesus, you ought to be more like Jesus. ..." Get the point? I had heard it a million times before, but I wasn't going to take it anymore. I grabbed my children in my arms and got ready to stand up and head for the door.
You see, all my life I'd tried to live up to those standards and failed miserably. I was tired of people telling me to be better than I was or could be. Nothing I did seemed to be good enough. I had struggled with that issue with my parents and now I struggled with my God. I viewed God as an unforgiving ogre who wouldn't accept me unless I could be better. The pastor was confirming what I already knew: I was a failure. Even when I seemed to be on top of things and all was going well, inevitably I would fall prey to my temptations, and all bets were off again. I would be right back to the same old same old. I thought that if I had really changed I wouldn't have fallen again. Surely a minister of God's Word should behave better than that! I couldn't take it any longer. I knew I was a failure as a father, a husband, a Christian and a pastor. In fact, I was ready to give it all up. I spoke out quietly to myself: "I can't do it! I've tried, and it doesn't work. I'm tired of trying to be something I can't be."
At that very moment something happened that I can only explain as a pure miracle. God spoke to me. The Holy Spirit fell on me and brought me such peace. He spoke softly to me and said, "You're right! You can't do it and you should stop trying."
My immediate retort was, "Yesss!!! I finally got something right!" However, He wasn't done.
The Spirit continued, "The pastor's right too."
Now I was furious! "What do you mean, I'm right, but he's right too?"
Keep in mind, I was not just thinking this; I was having an audible conversation with God right there in the middle of church during the pastor's message. I remember my wife telling me to be quiet. I don't know what she was thinking, but I'm sure she had no doubt that her worst fears had come true. Her husband had finally lost his last marble.
The Spirit began to unfold the truth of the Father's word to me, and for the first time I began to understand. For years I had preached about grace and told others to believe, but had understood very little of what I was preaching about. John Wesley was right when he said that the hardest road traveled in life is the 18 inches between the head and the heart. I knew about God's grace -- but I had never experienced it in the way I did that day.
God gently revealed to me that I had been trying to do His work. I had tried so hard that I got in His way. I had used the Scriptures as a way to reach God instead of allowing them to tell me how God was reaching me. He showed me that if I could read His Word and attain all He requires of me, then I wouldn't have any need of Him in the first place, and His Son's death would have been for everyone else but me.
Then He said one of the most profound things I had ever heard. It may seem simple enough, but I had never thought of it that way. He said, "Do you think that your desire to be righteous exceeds My desire for that same thing in you?" I finally understood that God wants righteousness for me, far more than I could ever want it for myself.
With that thought placed firmly in my heart, I realized that what God wants in my life He will bring to fruition if I will let Him. My part is simply submitting to His work. All my attempts before had been out of duty, something to please the Father in order to receive His love.
Finally I realized that He loves me just as I am. He doesn't expect me to be perfect, just to be in His care. He will empower me to do the rest, as He reveals it to me. I was reminded that being a Christian is not a matter of what I do, but the relationship I have with the Father, through His Son.
The work of holiness was made fresh to me as an act of love, not duty. That, I believe, was John's point in 1 John 4:17-19: "Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us" (NKJV).
For the first time I finally understood Matthew 11:28-30: "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light" (NKJV).
Before that day I had viewed this scripture as a cruel joke. Life wasn't easy, and His yoke was anything but light. But now I could understand. God isn't against me, He is for me! I experienced the love of God in a way I had never known before. I was finally free! "And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32, NKJV).
What happened next was the icing on the cake. I saw a vision. Oddly enough it was a vision of myself. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't an out-of-body experience, just a vision. I looked up, and there I stood, mired in what I could only describe as a massive pit of pitch-black tar. I immediately recognized it as my life -- everything I had been or tried to be, all of my deeds, both good and bad. Trapped knee-deep in this black mass with no way to get out, I looked away in shame. But God gently and lovingly convinced me to lift my head up and take a second look.
What I saw when I looked up caused the tears to flow freely. I was still stuck in that black mass with all of my failures and phobias, but with one great difference: Jesus was standing in the middle of it with me. With His arms embracing me He said, "Steven, I love you and nothing will change that."
I cried so hard my body began to shake. I thought to myself, If God can love me like this, what do I have to worry about? I have to stop trying to please Him and just love Him.
Since that time I have never doubted the love of Christ again. I may doubt my love for Him from time to time, but I will not doubt God's love for me. I believe that God has laid it upon my heart to share those things He began to teach me that day. He has called me as He called Jesus to "preach the gospel to the poor. ... to heal the brokenhearted, To preach deliverance to the captives ... To set at liberty those who are oppressed" (Luke 4:18, NKJV). I believe there are many Christians who need to be healed and set free from the prison of perfectionism and a performance mentality. So many Christians live in a paralyzing fear of God. But now that I have been freed by grace, I understand that no one has to live in fear. Rather we should live in trust: "Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ" (Philippians 1:6, NKJV).
