What is in the heart and mind of a pastor's wife? If she could share the greatest concerns of being a pastor's wife with you, what would they be? I asked wives from across the country and from different denominations what they would like to share with congregations. Although the specifics were unique, three recurring themes arose: recognize our uniqueness, value our family and encourage us.

... but my dove, my perfect one, is unique, the only daughter of her
mother, the favorite of the one who bore her. (Song of Songs 6:9a)
Thank you for accepting our uniqueness. One of the greatest pressures pastors' wives face is the expectation to be what we are not. I have a friend who spent time in a church in Alaska. The first week they were there, she received a call from the ladies' group, which was upset because "the pastor's wife always drives the ladies' van" and my friend was helping her husband with the youth group instead.

There are two lessons in this experience. First, no one explained this expectation to her. Second, no one realized she might have been called to something else, like ministering to the teens. She was experienced enough in her role to explain this to them, but often new pastors' wives are not and they may grow discouraged in a role to which they are not called.

God places callings on pastors' wives, just as He calls our husbands. Some wives are called to children's ministry, others to worship, others to women's ministry and others to work outside of the church either at home or in the secular world. God has called us, and rarely is our calling the same as the previous pastor's wife's calling.

Along this same line, pastors' wives all have unique personalities. Some are outgoing and friendly. Others are shy and quiet. One pastor's wife said, "Don't assume that because I don't speak to you, I am a snob. Please consider that I am shy and ... feel uncomfortable approaching someone I don't know." As pastors' wives we work extra hard to reach out and be friendly, but we are human and struggle with the same fears and insecurities as you do. Since pastors are often outgoing extroverts, God may balance them with mates who are more quiet and introverted.

He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him
with proper respect. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own
family, how can he take care of God's church?) (1 Timothy 3:4-5)
Thank you for valuing our family time. Too often the family life of a pastor is placed second to the ministry. And yet we are warned to take care of our family so that we can take care of the church. The church plays a vital role in helping the pastor protect his family time.

The first concern of pastors' wives is phone interruptions. Before calling the pastor at 10 p.m. and waking the whole family including three small children, ask yourself if it could wait until his office hours the next day. This same question needs to be asked on the pastor's day off. Pastoring is a full-time, around-the-clock job. There are no true weekends, so please give your pastors at least one day a week when they are allowed to focus on their family with no phone calls about next week's board meeting.

The second area of concern is recognizing the need for vacation time. Think of your job. You work your day and then go home. There are exceptions to everything, but most people put in their week and look forward to the weekend — taking a trip to the lake, going skiing or visiting Grandma. Pastors have office hours, counseling and preparation all day, Bible studies and meetings at night, and then the busiest time comes on the weekend — church workdays and worship practices on Saturday, services on Sunday. Without vacation weeks, pastors and their families will grow exhausted, discouraged and burned out. As wives we accept sharing our husbands with their call to the church, but we appreciate it if the church recognizes this sacrifice and the need for time away.

Are you encouraging — or discouraging — your pastor to vacation with his family? Does he have the opportunity to rejuvenate himself so he can serve you better? When's the last time he took a vacation with his family? As one pastor's wife commented, "Only God is omnipresent. Pastor cannot be everywhere at all times! [And] even God rested."

But my mouth would encourage you; comfort from my lips
would bring you relief. (Job 16:5)
Thank you for encouraging us. Looking at various churches, I see pastors and wives who give selflessly to the church all week long. They strive to encourage people daily. A truly blessed pastor's wife has someone who sees past the role and encourages her monthly, weekly and daily, someone who sends an encouragement card when she is sick or exhausted or lonely.

Loneliness is a great struggle for pastor's wives. It doesn't take long in the ministry before someone is quick to criticize your house, your children, your decision to work or not work. Or when a pastor's wife complains that her husband didn't take out the garbage, the whole church thinks they need marriage counseling.

When these things happen, it is easy to be fearful of deep relationships within the church. We think, "I am the pastor's wife and I have an image to uphold." What we really need is someone to come alongside us and encourage us, like anyone else in the church. Don't just save it for Clergy Appreciation Month.

Pastors' wives appreciate your acceptance, respect and encouragement. But I also want to mention how much we love the role as pastor's wife. We feel blessed to receive God's calling to serve you and be a part of your lives. We love seeing God's provision for us through your gifts — a food pounding when our cupboards are empty, a free vehicle when ours gives its last puff, anonymous money for the unexpected doctor trip. With these and many more, we have been blessed. Thank you from the wives of your pastors.