Questions. I have asked many of them in my life. They lead
to information that helps me understand the world in which I live and
the people around me. But when I am struggling with a problem to which
there is no obvious answer, questions become even more important. Especially
when a friend asks them.
Recently, feeling sick with anxiety, I visited my friend Tim. Sitting
at his kitchen table, I poured out struggles at work. Then I asked him,
“What would you do in my situation?” Stumped, he saw no quick
fixes, nor did he have any insight. After a few moments of silence he
inquired, “What do you want to do?”
For the next hour Tim asked a few thought-provoking questions while we
worked through my problem. I smiled when I left. “I value our friendship
and think I can handle things from here,” I said. While in my car,
I pondered our conversation. Lord, what happened? Tim didn’t give
me any advice. Then I saw a pattern: Tim’s questions led me to
find a solution from within myself. I was beginning to understand the
importance of asking questions.
Gathering
Information
Various types of questions serve specific purposes. Some are general (How
are you today?) and others are specific (What are you thinking about?).
Asking a friend questions relieves the pressure of coming up with answers
that could be incorrect or unwelcome.
When Tim and I talked, we both needed to understand my situation. How
did I see myself in relation to my difficulties? Was I a victim of circumstances?
What were my responsibilities? My answers guided our conversation.
The technique of asking questions is not new; God used it in the Garden
of Eden. For example, God asked Adam and Eve, “Where are you?”
“Who told you that you were naked?” “What is this you have
done?” (Genesis 3:9, 11, 13). I had often wondered why God asked
such obvious questions. Recently I realized one reason: He wanted Adam
and Eve to acknowledge the truth about their situation and take responsibility
for their actions.
Getting
Specific
One question Tim asked me was, “What’s causing you so much pain?”
He wanted specific information that would give him further insight. In
1 Samuel 17, David used this method. He asked the soldiers around him
about Goliath and the rewards offered by King Saul. He needed to understand
the soldiers’ perceptions and comprehend the situation. Like David,
Tim sought my perspective and corresponding emotions. With what was I
really struggling? How was it affecting me?
He also wanted me to know how much he cared and that he was ready to listen.
His questions allowed me to set aside any defensiveness I harbored. In
the factory where I worked, I tried to be a servant-leader at all times.
I felt one particular person took advantage of me, yet I was afraid to
confront him and tried to bury my feelings. Now my pent-up anger had driven
me to the point of wanting him fired.
Clarifying
Meaning
“Simon, how do this person’s actions really make you feel?”
Even though Tim knew I was ticked off, he refrained from stating the obvious,
choosing instead to ask a question. This allowed me to be honest with
him — and myself.
“I hate being taken advantage of. I’m so mad I could spit nails.”
Whenever Tim was not sure about something, he asked, “Could you clarify
that? Do you really mean that? Does this still apply?” My responses
helped define the problem in terms we both understood.
Tim easily could have assumed certain facts, but previous experience had
taught us that assumptions lead to trouble. I had talked to him about
work-related issues in the past. Hearing my current thoughts and feelings
left no room for confusion with previous issues.
The disciples used this approach with Jesus in Matthew 13. They wanted
to know why He spoke to the rulers in parables. He answered, “Though
seeing, they do not see; though hearing, they do not hear or understand”
(v. 13). The disciples were even more confused! After hearing four more
parables, they asked Him to speak plainly (v. 36) so they could clearly
understand.
Expressing my thoughts and feelings helped me define my role within the
struggle. I began to see possible solutions that were previously hidden
behind my frustration.
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Being
Truthful
“Simon, do you think you’re bitter toward this person? Can we
pray together about it?”
Throughout our conversation, Tim resisted quoting a Bible verse or explaining
a scriptural principle because he wanted me to see the truth without feeling
judged. When I am hurt and someone quotes a scripture to me, I can easily
become defensive and angry. I am not ready to be honest. Scripture can
bring conviction, but conviction without change leads to condemnation.
Rather than saying, “‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not
let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil
a foothold” (Ephesians 4:26-27), Tim asked, “How is your anger
allowing the enemy into your life?” This caused me to take ownership
for my actions. Asking if we could pray together showed that Tim was willing
to stand beside me but left the choice up to me.
Staying
Focused
“You said that you’re afraid of what you might say to this person,
Simon. What are you most afraid of?”
Strong emotions such as fear can paralyze people with procrastination.
They often distort the truth or exaggerate a situation. For instance,
fear adversely affected Elijah (1 Kings 19) and Peter (Matthew 14:27-31).
In my case, I was afraid that confronting my co-worker would lead him
to reject me. Yet we had always maintained a cordial relationship. Pinpointing,
then speaking, my fears out loud helped me diffuse their power. When I
realized they were unfounded, Tim and I began to explore solutions.
As I talked, Tim helped me focus on other strong emotions by asking, “What’s the best or worst thing that can happen? What’s the probability of this happening?” These questions moved me from abstract feelings to the world of reality and calmed me down so I could rationally weigh my options. They also allowed Tim to question my motives without questioning me as a person.
Finding
Answers
“Simon, what do you stand to lose if you confront your co-worker?”
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At one point in our conversation, I felt trapped. I understood my emotional
bondage, but I was not ready to face this person even though it was the
right thing to do. When I had been in this situation before and examined
my motives, I had often found that I feared losing something of value.
“Do you really feel he’ll quit? Is there anything else you might
lose?” Tim asked. The truth was that I did not want to lose our budding
friendship. Not only did we work well together, but also often played
golf together.
“Didn’t you say that confronting him would help reduce your
workload?”
“Yes.”
“And now you feel that this may end your friendship?”
I paused a moment. “I guess I have to decide which is more important
— the confrontation or our relationship. That’s really the sticking
point.”
The look on my face told Tim I was not ready to decide. Our time together
had come to an end, so we prayed for wisdom, and then I left.
* * * * *
I called Tim a few days later. After further thought I had decided to
confront my co-worker. All went well as we talked through the problem.
“You’re pretty wise,” I told Tim.
“Thanks, but I believe you always knew what to do. I just gave you
some guidance.”
When friends are struggling, we want to help but often do not know how.
We want to give answers and solutions without knowing where to start.
We cannot always give advice because we have different experiences and
personalities. What works for one person may not work for another.
If the solutions are not obvious, a few insightful questions can help
a friend clarify the issues, face the truth, acknowledge his or her fears
and weigh the alternatives. Helping others be honest with God — and
with themselves — will guide them to their next step. Asking questions
can lead friends to find answers within themselves — answers that
are best suited to the particular situation. It is just a matter of understanding
the importance of asking questions.
