Inside, she found an official-looking document which read as follows:
Memorandum
TO: The Ministerial Staff
FROM: The Committee on Appropriate Ministerial Rectitude and Circumspection
RE: Inappropriate Behavior by the Ministerial Staff
_________________________________________
It has come to the attention of the Committee on Appropriate Ministerial Rectitude and Circumspection that members of the ministerial staff are driving automobiles with inappropriate colors of paint. The Committee feels compelled to address this crucial issue.
The Committee is deeply concerned, for example, by reports that the church secretary drives a white car. Inasmuch as white is the symbolic color of purity, the Committee is concerned that the use of a white colored car could represent a haughty, "holier than thou" -- or, even worse -- "holier than the Committee" mentality. This constitutes a clear and flagrant violation of Saint Paul's directive to "avoid even the appearance of evil" and "esteem others as more impertinent than yourself."
In a related vein, the Committee notes that another member of the ministerial staff, Pastor Paul, drives a blue vehicle. Regrettably, blue is often associated with profane music - such as "the blues" -- which is often performed in dark saloons. The Committee does not feel it is either appropriate or circumspect to encourage the flock to frequent these establishments.
Having outlined the biblical basis for our decision, the Committee on Appropriate Ministerial Rectitude and Circumspection hereby directs the ministerial staff - in keeping with the biblical truth that we are "formed from dust, and to dust you shall return" -- to drive automobiles which are a dirty brown color. This will also help foster ministerial humility. And for the record, the Committee prefers Fords. They require a lot of faith.
The memo was not attributed to anyone other than the unidentified "Committee on Appropriate Ministerial Rectitude and Circumspection." (Motto: "We Already Know Who We Are, So You Don't Have To.")
More memos appeared in the months to follow. The Committee had an opinion on every facet of church life, from the appropriate color of the choir robes (blue, like heaven) to the appropriate temperature of the water in the baptistery (58 degrees). "The Committee does not believe in frittering away scarce financial resources heating the baptistery when there are more pressing needs, such as erecting covered, preferential parking spaces for members of the Committee. Besides, the Committee has already been baptized."
The anonymous memos were relentless, pounding away at every ministry decision, every expense, everything, -- including the footwear of the high school youth group.
"The Committee suggests black wing-tipped shoes, inasmuch as this is what the disciples would have worn if they had the opportunity to benefit from the Committee's direction. As always, the Committee is pleased to offer its guidance, and eagerly awaits the opportunity to spy out yet another issue which we can summarily roast with the flame-thrower of vigilance before it grows up into the tender plant of excessive liberty. (The Committee just loves these kinds of metaphors.)"
Tragically, these mysterious memos began taking their toll on the staff. Finger pointing abounded. Even worse, all the fingers were pointed at me.
One day the Pastor for children, Paul, flatly declared that I was involved.
"Do you honestly think that I am a member of the Committee?" I replied, aghast.
"No, I think you ARE the Committee," he groused.
I think this kind of suspicious, hostile attitude is unbecoming to a member of the ministerial staff.
Looks like it's time for another memo.
SMALL GROUP DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
1.) Don't you agree that people like Pastor Paul should not make reckless accusations when they do not have enough proof to stand up in court?
2.) Try telling that to Paul! He almost bit my head off. I think members of the ministerial staff should be more deferential to members of the Committee.
3.) I once
saw a plaque which read: "For God so loved the world that He did
not send a committee." Discuss this with your fellow committee members.
_____________________________________________________________
Dave Meurer is a congressional staff member and published humorist. "Sort
of Unsolved Mysteries" is an article adapted from his book Out
on a Whim, published by Bethany House.
