“I am a child crying for Mommy and Daddy, lost in the desert and not hearing or seeing them. Please answer my cries. Pick me up in your arms like I was a baby, and carry me home. … I never realized that life could be so painful and lonely without people that you love and that love you.” — Heather Stone, March 12, 1996

My hot tears stained the pages of the letter as I read my daughter’s anguished plea. My heart ached with guilt. How could I have done such a thing to her? She was barely a teenager, and I had sent her away to a rehab facility in Utah. Extreme weather conditions. Ten-mile hikes in the desert. Shoveling cow manure.

Then I came to my senses, wiped the tears from my eyes and reminded myself why I had sent Heather away. For 13 years our oldest daughter had been the model preacher’s kid: straight-A student, youth-group leader, obedient to our every request.

But almost overnight, she had morphed into a rebellious, bent-on-doing-the-opposite-of-what-we-asked hellion. For six years our family endured the turmoil of house arrests, calls to 911, drugs, alcohol, terrible boyfriends, rehab units, expulsions from schools, 15 counselors … and countless fights.

Like many parents in similar situations, we didn’t know what to do. We wanted a better relationship with our daughter, but our hurt and anger often overwhelmed us. We did survive those years, however, and our relationship with her did not die. In fact, God dramatically restored it. Heather now lives with us, and she and I are even co-writing a book to help dads and daughters who struggle.

Our renewed relationship didn’t come without pain. We made several tough calls during our six-year journey, like the decision to send Heather to the program in Utah — a move that proved invaluable in sustaining our strained relationship. Such choices don’t come easily, nor will they for any parent forced to make such a decision. Sometimes, however, circumstances leave us no other options.

Terror and Threats
Before we sent Heather to Utah, we sought help from teachers, friends, school counselors, a lawyer, church leaders, the police, psychologists, psychiatrists and a local rehab unit. Even their advice and encouragement could not prevent the events that prompted our final choice. If you think you’ve reached the end of your rope, perhaps our experience can help you make a tough — but wise — call.

We were meeting regularly with a Christian counselor, who helped us deal with the nagging question, “Are we failures as parents?” and who referred us to a psychiatrist who further evaluated Heather. During this time two Christian schools expelled our daughter because of her negative influence on the other students.

After the second expulsion, tensions reached a boiling point. “I’m going to ruin you,” Heather growled. “I’m going to tell others that you have abused me.”

I immediately contacted our counselor and lawyer in case Heather followed through with her false accusation.

As our daughter continued her downward spiral, we discovered that she planned to run away to Florida, information that prompted our decision to send her to rehab again. That night my wife and I stood at the door of her room and told her the bad news: “We’re taking you back to the hospital.”

Heather exploded with rage. “I hate you! I’m going to kill you!” she spewed, trying to lunge out of the second-floor window to escape. As we restrained her, Heather fought us and grabbed a knife from her desk, pointing it at us. We immediately dialed 911. A few minutes later the police arrived and calmed her down so an ambulance could transport her to the hospital.

Two days later we placed our daughter on an airplane to Utah.

Anguish and Relief
For the next few days both anguish and relief filled our hearts. I prayed, read the Bible and tried to process our decision. My thoughts often drifted to one of Jesus’ most famous stories, that of the prodigal son in Luke 15. Although Jesus spoke it as a parable, some scholars believe He based His story on a well-known true story.

As the parable unfolds, the younger son yearned for a life free of parental authority and restraint. One day he shocked his father by demanding his share of the inheritance, a demand that, in their culture, conveyed gross disregard for the father’s feelings — similar to what Heather’s behavior conveyed to us.

The prodigal son’s dad faced a tough choice. Would he give him his inheritance early? Or would he refuse? If he said no, he could spare his son the heartache the father knew awaited him. If he said yes, he knew his son would experience the consequences of unrestrained freedom and wild living.

Perhaps the father took a few days to make his decision, weighing the pros and cons in his mind. Maybe he consulted wise friends. I’m sure he prayed. He then made a difficult decision: He would give his son his inheritance, the very thing that would ultimately result in his misery. Possibly the father sensed that only through the painful consequences of irresponsibility could his son come to his senses.

We, too, may have to make difficult choices that bring pain to our children, and to us. Because we love them, as the prodigal son’s father loved his child, we can’t avoid those decisions. And, like that long-ago father, we hoped that Heather’s painful stay in Utah would bring her back to us, and to God.

Several years later Heather did come back, and we experienced firsthand the promise of Hebrews 12:11: “No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening — it is painful! But afterward there will be a quiet harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way” (NLT).

Decision-Guiding Questions
You may not face the intense rebellion we faced with our daughter or the situation the prodigal son’s dad experienced. I hope you don’t. But if circumstances force you to make a difficult choice, consider using these five questions to guide your decision:

1. Have you really prayed for wisdom about the difficult options you face? James 1:5 promises, “If you need wisdom — if you want to know what God wants you to do — ask him, and he will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking” (NLT).

2. Does your son or daughter engage in destructive behavior or simply make life difficult for you? Most teenage problems don’t warrant placement in a program like the one we sent Heather to in Utah. Some difficulties, however, can move your relationship into the red zone and require action. Look for these “red-zone behaviors”:

• being violent or threatening violence against others
• shoplifting or other criminal behavior
• threatening to accuse you of abuse or molestation
• abusing drugs and alcohol
• attempting suicide
• running away or sneaking out at night to be with boys
• refusing to attend school or being suspended repeatedly
  

3. Have you sought professional help? Find a good Christian counselor to give objective advice. He or she can help you consider the benefits and drawbacks of available programs and/or recommend a good psychiatrist to determine possible physiological reasons for your child’s behavior. Sometimes mental illness lies at the root of extreme rebellion. In those cases your son or daughter may need medical treatment as the first option.

4. Have you considered the juvenile system? After we sent Heather to Utah, we discovered that our local county government provided services for difficult teens. Our lawyer explained that we could file charges against Heather to seek the court’s intervention. This would help us because it would make her accountable to the court for her actions and take some pressure off us to keep her in line. Had we known this, we probably would have chosen this route first. (The following year we did file “unruly teen” charges against Heather. The judge ruled in our favor and placed her under house arrest, requiring her to wear an ankle monitor to alert authorities if she tried to run away. He also assigned a probation officer to meet with her weekly.)

5. Have you done your homework? An Internet search of phrases such as “wilderness therapy programs,” “at-risk teens” or “boarding schools” will yield hundreds of Web sites. One nonprofit, neutral Web site, www.wilderness-programs.org, is a good place to start. It lists and rates dozens of programs. A Web search will also provide names of fee-based companies to help parents evaluate programs. (Whatever program you pick, choose wisely. Research the program, ask for references and visit it if possible.)

Tough Love
Our painful decision seemed harsh at the time. But without it, Heather may have never experienced what she wrote in her journal that forlorn day in March: “I never realized that life could be so painful and lonely without people that you love and that love you.”

Your son or daughter may not either — unless you make your tough call.