As I catch snatches of the latest “reality courtship” television shows like “The Bachelor,” “The Bachelorette” and “Joe Millionaire,” I think they provide us with some pretty shabby substitutes for God’s plan for courtship and marriage. As Solomon once said, there is nothing “new under the sun” (Ecclesiastes 1:9), so let’s imagine the shows we would have found on Bible-time dating television and the lessons they taught.

Who Wants to Marry a Longhaired Hunk?
Enter Samson: washboard abs, bulging biceps and big hair. He’s the local gym’s latest crown holder. He shows off a city gate he tore down as a souvenir of his most recent date. (Honest — check out Judges 16:3.)

We see the basic problem even in the first part of Samson’s story. The world’s strongest man had a weak spot for women. One day while out doing his he-man thing, he fell for a flirt. He told his parents, “I have seen a Philistine woman” (Judges 14:2) and demanded that they arrange the marriage. He not only kissed dating goodbye, he skipped that entirely. He lusted and wanted.

Yes, his godly (though indulgent) parents asked him to find a woman among their people, not from the pagans (Judges 14:3). But he ignored righteous standards. Another guy got this woman, so Samson went on tour as The Loser. He picked up another woman, Delilah. This barbarian barber led Samson to his fall. Only when blinded did he see his mistakes.
The “Hunk’s” lesson: Go beyond looks, to the heart. Proverbs 31:10 exalts “a noble character” above anything else.

Who Wants to Marry a Reluctant Bachelor?
Let’s backtrack to Genesis 24 where Isaac, the promised son of Abraham, is getting up in years. His mother has died, and his father is 100-and-something. Pop Abraham doesn’t think much of the heathen women in their neighborhood, and Isaac’s no Romeo. To get things moving, Abraham dispatches his top servant to find a wife among relatives hundreds of miles away. There he meets Rebekah, not primping before a mirror but pouring water for guzzling camels. She’s the one.

Rebekah decides to leave home right away and travel hundreds of miles to marry somebody she’s never met. Television’s closest example to that was “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?” — which allowed the mystery bachelor to choose a woman already dolled up for her onstage wedding. An annulment tidily unraveled that mess, but at least two people walked away wounded.

But wait! The Isaac/Rebekah match-up wasn’t based just on résumés. God superintended that selection in the context of a culture accustomed to arranged marriages. The big lesson for us: Let God confirm His choice.

Who Wants to Marry a Cheat?
Let’s move on to a show about Isaac’s son Jacob (Genesis 29). I feel sorry for Jacob, who endured a seven-year engagement for the love of Rachel. Then he woke up the morning after his wedding and discovered that his bedmate, wearing an industrial-strength face veil, was her older, weak-eyed sister Leah.

We had a bit of this scenario with “Joe Millionaire,” a construction worker who paraded as a rich guy. (At least the network offered him a million for his masquerade.) But Jacob was just as deceitful, all the way back to the day he pretended to be hairy like his brother Esau, and absconded with the birthright. Lesson: Be honest in presenting yourself.

Who Wants to Marry an Old Duffer?
Widowed Ruth, doing her best to support her old, gloomy mother-in-law, found a new husband in the process of humble service. When Ruth expressed interest in Boaz as the “kinsman-redeemer” (to reclaim her late husband’s property), this old farmer was amazed. “You have not run after the younger men,” he said, “whether rich or poor” (Ruth 3:10).
Somehow, this doesn’t fit in with the modern shows exalting the rich youth culture with beaches, hot tubs, fancy dinners and castles. But Boaz and Ruth had a good marriage and started a lineage that included a king, David.

Who Wants to Marry an X-Rated Guy?
David wed King Saul’s daughter, Michel (later married to another man), Abigail (who kept him from murdering her husband) and Bathsheba (whose husband’s murder he arranged). Somewhere in there he also picked up a wife named Ahinoam, a selection of concubines and miscellaneous other wives.

All these wives got him and son Solomon (with his thousand) into trouble. They could have avoided it by obeying God’s original guidelines: “He [the king] must not take many wives, or his heart will be led astray” (Deuteronomy 17:17). Lesson for today: Line up any marriage decision with the Word of God. The biggest comes out of 2 Corinthians 6:14: “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.” Plain and simple — no “missionary dating.” Spiritual qualifications first.

Who Wants to Marry a Wild Woman?
The prophet Hosea took on multiplied sorrow in his “unequal yoke” marriage to a harlot. But God asked this of Hosea as a prophetic picture of divine forgiveness and grace for Israel. Hosea’s mismatch also portrays the fallacies of televised “courtship.” Sinful people occupy the real world. No stage makeup can eradicate the fallen nature. Some will fall for the world’s lies about sexual sin, but after it’s over they’ll know its terrible price. Yet God offers second chances. God’s grace is real. It’s our model for giving and forgiving in a maturing marriage.

Who Wants to Marry an Original?
Maybe we need to go back to the first bachelor episode, where Adam played with the hippos and turkeys until God saw his need of a helpmate. At just the right time, God prepared and delivered Eve, Adam’s one-and-only God-crafted choice.

A few chapters after Solomon declared there’s nothing new under the sun, he said something even wiser: “A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12). A godly marriage weaves together a man and woman’s love with the third-cord strength of God.

That’s what’s absent in courtship television — and the reason those shows don’t belong in our homes, nor their messages filling our minds.

Who wants to ... turn off the courtship shows?