I gave him my entire heart on our wedding day. I trusted him with every ounce of me. He would protect, love, honor me, and remain faithful all of his days. I knew him so well … Or so I thought.

Within months I found links on my computer to sexually explicit pictures of women. When confronted, my husband denied his actions, including his attempts to delete the links from the computer’s history.

I knew he had lied to me. A million thoughts raced through my head. I was pregnant; we had the romance I had always hoped for; he was my everything and I was his world. How could this be happening?

Lies filled my soul. I felt ugly, not good enough, and stupid. This was not at all how I had envisioned “happily ever after” and I wanted out.

I cried and called my sister. After spending the day with her, my anger, pain and resentment decreased. I knew I could go home and face my husband without harsh words.

It took time to talk about it. I cried, asked him to not touch me, and eventually ended up in the bathroom sobbing hysterically. My husband held me as I cried. He was my best friend, comforting me even after he had caused the worst heartbreak of my life. We talked and cried, and I asked him to promise never to lie to me again.

Moments later I asked, “Is this the only time since we’ve been together?”

Without hesitation, he reassured me, “Yes.”

“You promise?”

“Yes, love. I promise.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

I decided to trust him. Perhaps my heart merely wanted to believe him. A few nights later the conversation resurfaced and I found out he had lied again. He had given in to sexual temptation several times during our relationship, and a few times during our marriage.

I was devastated. A few nights ago he lied to my face immediately after promising never to lie again. How could I ever believe him? How could I ever trust him?

He explained his reasoning for lying, his fear of hurting me and of appearing imperfect to me. So he hid, like Adam from God, in shame. My heart understood his reasoning.

We communicated deeply. I told him I wanted to be his best friend, the person he shared everything with. I wanted to pray with him, support him and know the most intimate parts of his world. We pressed on, but my insecurities deepened.

THE “I” IN INSECURITY
Weeks passed and I would find myself visiting the Web sites I knew he had viewed. I compared myself in detail to every girl I could find. What was it about her that he needed, that I didn’t have? I’m not good enough.

As lie upon lie continued to beat on my heart, I found myself wanting to repay him. I wanted to cheat on him, talk with, flirt, or simply look lustfully at other men. I wanted him to feel my pain. But flashes of Jesus on the cross invaded my mind.

It suddenly hit me. Serving, loving and being faithful to my husband has nothing to do with him or me — it has everything to do with God. By faithfully loving my husband I am serving the Lord, fulfilling His plan for my life, obeying Him. Hurting my husband would be hurting God.

In prayer I would remind myself that I am to love my husband through God’s strength, not my own. Although this made loving my husband much easier, the pain and insecurity never vanished.

I want to be enough. I want my husband to love me, to notice me and only me. I want to be the most beautiful, astounding, heart-throbbing woman in the world to him. I want to be enough!

When thoughts like those enter my soul I step back and realize that every one of them begins with “I.” None has to do with God.

My idealistic view of marriage was selfish. I wanted my husband to validate my beauty as a woman. I wanted to feel loved and enough. I made his struggle with sexual sin about me. How could I ever support him if I kept making this about me?

WORTH FIGHTING FOR
There is an enemy against my marriage, and every marriage. He will tempt, threaten and entice me to believe any lie he can. He wants to take my focus from God and my husband, and point the spotlight toward me, on my desires. My enemy knows my weaknesses, knows which wounds hurt most, and he wants to destroy me. He whispers, “You are not enough.”

But I know that Jesus overcame my enemy and the temptations of this world. I take heart, raise my shield of faith, penetrate the lies with my sword of truth and press on. I love my husband. Our marriage is filled with many beautiful days. I think about those, not the painful circumstances of the past.

More than anything I focus on God. I look outward instead of inward. Marriage is not about me, or my husband; it is about God. No lie, pain or circumstance will ever come between us so long as God is our focus.

My husband has been faithful. He continues to battle lust, and my trust in him has been reborn. Our marriage thrives because I have learned to throw away my idealistic notion that my husband should make me feel like enough. I have learned to seek God, not my husband or anyone of the world, for validation.

Besides, my husband is worth fighting for!