Because we raise our children in Christian homes, we tend to believe they are protected from the lure of pornography. Yet every week I hear of another child, 9 or 10 years old, who has been exposed to pornography while visiting at a friend’s house. Although it would be much more unusual for a onetime exposure such as this to start a little girl down the road of pornography addiction, recurring exposure can affect girls just as much as it affects boys.
One committed Christian family learned this lesson the hard way. When their oldest daughter, Kelly*, reached her teen years, the parents decided she was capable of making her own decisions. Since she was the mother’s child from a previous marriage, they allowed her unrestricted freedoms in a misguided attempt to make her feel more accepted. These freedoms extended to Internet use.

Kelly now lives in an abusive relationship with a married man and is still struggling with a pornography addiction. Sadly, this story could apply to thousands of families across the country.

It is not only during the vulnerable teen years that our children can fall prey to pornography’s temptations. In one of his graduate school counseling classes our son learned of an 11-year-old girl who was referred for the treatment of a pornography addiction after she found and repeatedly viewed pornographic pictures on her father’s computer. She soon began acting out what she saw and, in the professor’s words, “couldn’t keep her hands off the boys.”

With the advent of the Internet and the popularity of Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker’s Every Man’s Battle, most people are aware of the intense warfare waged in our world today by men and boys who are exposed to pornography. However, few people know that many women, and now young girls, are facing the same struggles with sexual addiction as their male counterparts. In fact, as reported by MSNBC, roughly one-third of sex addicts are women. With an estimated 16 million Americans struggling with compulsive sexual behavior, this means an astonishing 5 million or more women face a foe of incredible power!

For many of us it is difficult to imagine how “sex” or “pornography” can be an addiction for either men or women. Since nothing is ingested, how can the body possibly become addicted as it would to alcohol or drugs?

In a sense, drugs are involved. According to Dr. Patrick Carnes, a pioneer in the treatment of sexual addictions, natural endorphins, which mimic opiates but are many times more powerful, are released into the bloodstream during sexual arousal. The thrill of seduction, the stimulation of pornography or the danger of sex with multiple partners can trigger the secretion of these endorphins, and the addict literally gets “high” on his or her own brain chemicals.

Additionally, just as with any other addiction, there is potential for the development of tolerance for these natural “drugs” and a resultant progression into deeper and deeper forms of enslavement in the search for a similar mood-altering experience. Just as men do, women can follow the addictive cycle of preoccupation, ritualization, acting out and shame, and find themselves repeating the same behaviors with seemingly no way out.

To better grasp how women can become trapped in this addictive cycle, it is important to understand the types of sexual addiction. On the Bethesda Workshops Web site (www.bethesdaworkshops.org), Marnie Feree, who runs a counseling program for sexually addicted women, explains that the term “sexual addiction” is generally categorized into three separate but sometimes overlapping addictions. The romance addict, usually female, is enthralled with falling in love and all the flowers and poetry that go with it. Her addiction may be confined to the fantasy world and she may be hooked on seemingly harmless romance novels, or she may be the runaway bride, repeatedly falling in love but unable to maintain a committed relationship.

The relationship addict, on the other hand, can be male or female and is involved in many relationships, sometimes several at the same time, and views sex or seduction as having power over another individual. Relationship addicts may be caught up in multiple affairs outside of marriage or in other destructive relationships and think they must be sexual in order to feel good about themselves.

Finally, the label sex addict covers a wide range of behaviors. These can include anything from the use of pornography and compulsive masturbation to exhibitionism, voyeurism or prostitution to the more serious crimes of rape or child molestation. Sex addicts have typically been thought of as male.

However, that is changing. Historically, female sex addicts fell into the categories of romance or relationship addicts. While this is often still the case, a growing number of women are becoming addicted to pornography and other forms of sexual behavior previously regarded as unique to men. According to Dr. Mark Laaser, who heads the Christian Alliance for Sexual Recovery, the female brain is literally being rewired to be more visual and aggressive, especially in those under 35.

This should not be surprising given today’s cultural obsession with sex. From magazine covers in the grocery store checkout line to Britney Spears music videos, from R-rated movies to the television shows playing in our own homes, men, women and children are being desensitized so that they cannot determine what is appropriate and God-honoring sexual behavior. Television, movies and advertising have so conditioned people to believe it is all right to use sex and sexuality as forms of entertainment or means of selling products that no one bats an eye anymore.

In our media-driven society, young people are being saturated with the world’s view of sex. Is it any wonder they are seeking more and more visually stimulating versions of what they have grown up with?

So what does all this mean for Christian women? Sadly, many Christian sisters are also struggling with sexual addictions, perhaps as many as non-Christian. According to a survey cited by the National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families, 34 percent of “churchgoing” women had intentionally visited pornographic Web sites. Consequently, Christian organizations that conduct programs for the sexually addicted have seen a dramatic rise in the number of women seeking freedom from pornography addictions.
It is often more difficult for women, especially Christian women, to admit they have a sexual addiction and request the help they so desperately need. When men look at pornography, they may be regarded with an attitude of “boys will be boys,” while women are considered sordid and immoral if they do the same. Women are our wives and mothers, the keepers at home, the mainstay of sexual purity. For a woman to admit she is addicted to pornography is unthinkable, causing a level of shame that may keep her from getting help.

But help is available. Several Christian ministries devoted to helping men find deliverance from sexual addictions have developed similar programs for women. Some are based on 12-step programs, similar to Alcoholics Anonymous but combined with sound Christian principles and dependent upon the hope found through Jesus Christ. There are also an increasing number of Christian counselors experienced in helping women overcome sexual addictions and support groups to aid in accountability, though most are still geared toward men.

Finally, what can we who are not struggling with an addiction do to help our Christian sisters trapped in this maze of sexual sin? Above all, we must follow the example Jesus set in forgiving the woman caught in adultery. He never asked how on earth she got into such a situation. He did not lecture her on the inadvisability of her actions. He simply forgave her.

Over and over again, women addicted to pornography speak of the shame they feel and the destruction it causes in their souls. More shame is not what they need. Although they should be held accountable for their sins, what they need primarily are understanding, support and unconditional love. Sometimes a close friend is the first person to whom a woman will pour out her heart and can make the difference between whether she seeks help or goes deeper into hiding her shame.

Jesus said, “Everyone who sins is a slave to sin” (John 8:34), but the Bible also assures us that God is faithful and will always provide a way out of temptation. We never know when God may call us to help lead another to the path of freedom. As Jesus said in the same passage, “If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed” (John 8:36).