“I can’t take this anymore!” I wailed. u My husband Ron’s angry outbursts were like land mines I tried so hard to avoid. There was no physical violence, but once again I felt blown apart emotionally by his shouting, profanity and belligerence. Was my only choice to leave the marriage before his anger destroyed me? u I had asked that question many times. These days I rejoice that I stayed. u The good news is that we’re entering our 31st year together and Ron’s a kinder, gentler man who, by the grace of God, is learning to control his anger. Here’s what the Lord led me to do along the way, so I wouldn’t give up on my marriage or my husband.

PERSEVERE IN PRAYER
Some days I’ve felt that Ron’s the enemy and I’m in a war fighting for my life. Still, Scripture says to love our enemies and pray for them (Matthew 5:44 and Luke 6:28).

At one point I prayed that God would give me a picture of Ron. For years I saw him as a scary monster who could claw my soul to death. God revealed instead that he was a frightened child filled with insecurities. That changed the way I reacted to my husband. Lately Ron has admitted that fears — such as his fear of intimacy — have definitely fueled his anger.

In his book Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them, Paul Hegstrom, who was violently angry for 15 years, admits, “I had no interpersonal skills, because my emotional development had been arrested at a tender age.” He believes angry men can be like children because of trauma at a young age. “Children are self-centered, me-oriented, and they demand instant gratification.” I knew that Ron had childhood traumas he’d never dealt with. We wives of angry men can pray that God will heal our husbands so they can grow up emotionally and handle anger like adults.

DEAL WITH MY OWN ANGER
Often I pretended I didn’t have an anger problem. My anger was the slow, seething kind, which I convinced myself was better because it was quieter — except for the times I finally did explode.

“You’re a gunnysacker,” Ron accused. When I admitted, “You’re right” — that I tended to push down anger — I realized also that to get back at Ron I used passive-aggressive means like withdrawing or spending too much money. Sometimes I’d bring up what I was angry about in a fight weeks or months after the original offense.

As I’ve repented of handling my own anger in sinful ways, I’m better equipped to deal with my husband’s anger. And I don’t take it so personally. Instead I see that we both have anger problems, and as Christians we can work together to overcome them.

STOP BLAMING MYSELF
How often I’ve fallen into the trap of thinking, If only I were a better wife, he wouldn’t get angry like this. I used to obsess to perfect myself and our environment, so I wouldn’t “make him mad.” My efforts proved futile.

Even though I no longer blame myself for Ron’s anger, some responses of mine can add fuel to the fire once his anger ignites, especially a disrespectful tone: saying “always” and “never,” screaming back or bringing up past offenses.

Some of Ron’s angry outbursts have stemmed from sin. In her book An Affair of the Mind, Laurie Hall tells about her husband’s addiction to pornography — a problem my own husband has wrestled with. Hall’s husband’s sense of shame and guilt would spill over into anger. His language was abusive, and his family was subject to harsh punishment for minor infractions. How I could relate. Once my husband began to deal seriously with this sin in his life — by going to counseling and renouncing it instead of just managing it — his anger diminished.

LET GO AND LET GOD
“You are not your husband’s pastor,” said Tony Evans one day on his radio show. I confess I’ve tried to be not only his pastor, but also the Holy Spirit in his life. I’ve had to admit that all my warnings, “wise words” and lectures about anger never changed my husband.

As I’ve given the burden of my husband’s anger to the Lord, God has dealt with him in His way and His time. I occasionally speak words of truth about anger to Ron, but only as the Lord leads.

“Letting go and letting God” also means leaving the scene instead of trying to talk my husband down from his anger or attempting to reason with him when he’s stuck in the trap of being unreasonable.

EXTEND MERCY
While Ron has a problem with anger and impatience, I have a problem with bitterness and unforgivingness. After each of Ron’s tirades, I began to ask God for grace to forgive him. Sometimes I’ve asked, “God, how can I bless Ron?” so I’m not tempted to withdraw into my shelter of bitterness and self-pity. Often over the years I’ve prayed Ephesians 4:32 to help keep a forgiving attitude: “Lord, help me to be kind and tenderhearted toward Ron, forgiving him, just as in Christ You forgave me.”

Part of my lack of mercy toward Ron was wrapped up in unforgivingness toward my dad for his angry ways. (I married someone like my father.)

I also avoid hanging around women who refuse to forgive their husbands or those whose unforgivingness has led them to file for divorce.

As I embrace God’s mercy for myself and let it flow through me to Ron, I have great compassion for him and his battle to overcome his anger problem.

The Good Goes On
I praise God for changes I see in Ron. His angry outbursts are less frequent, less explosive, rarely profane and of shorter duration. He’s able to see his negative handling of anger as sin instead of making excuses. He’s even able to say “I’m sorry” after lashing out in anger — something he couldn’t do for years.

I’m holding to the promise that God who began a good work in my husband (and in me) will be faithful to complete it (Philippians 1:6).