"But that's not how I mean it," Jim said.

"Yes, it is," I replied, glaring at him. "You're supposed to be my friend. Why do you always say hurtful things about me?"

"Always? Don't you think you're exaggerating? Besides, did you ever think it's not what I say but the way you hear it?"

Was Jim right? Was it possible that the growing friction in our best-friend relationship had more to do with how I heard his words than with what he said? Our relationship meant enough to me that I was willing to get to the bottom of that question.

My search for an answer led me to discover a whole new world of communication going on inside my head.

The Minirth Meier book The Complete Life Encyclopedia (Thomas Nelson) reveals that people think nearly 10 times faster than they can speak — up to 1,300 words per minute! This high-speed monologue rushes on nonstop all day long.

I never realized before how this internal world of words — commonly called "self-talk" — stops me from hearing what Jim is saying, keeping it in perspective, and clearly communicating my thoughts back to him. That's because when Jim, or anyone else, speaks to me, only 10 percent of his communication comes to me in the form of words, according to Dr. Tim Coldiron, founder of Perspectives of Troy. The rest of external communication consists of 60 percent body language and 30 percent eye contact. How I understand his words is largely based on how I interpret the signals his body and eyes give me. Self-talk controls that process of interpretation — often leading to misinterpretation.

As Dr. William Backus states in his book Telling Yourself the Truth (Bethany House), "What I think and believe determines how I feel and what I do." I might add — how I listen and what I hear. Where do these internal words originate?

Understanding Self-Talk
Often self-talk is the voice of past experiences speaking into present circumstances. For example, when I was young, my sisters constantly ridiculed me. Gripped by anger, I would scream at them and then get in trouble. My sisters laughed after I was punished. This created a flow of "victim" thoughts. Ever since, at the slightest hint of teasing, my subconscious has tended to flash back to events with my sisters, and I react in the same way I did with them. If Jim chided me, the anger I felt toward my sisters would rise up and fuel my emotions, and I would lash out at him.

A good example of this involved sports. Jim and I love sports but rarely support the same teams. This has set up a friendly rivalry between us. If one of Jim's teams lost, I'd let him know. He did the same to me. It wasn't long, however, before I interpreted Jim's teasing as a personal attack. Our conversations would sometimes follow this pattern:

"Did you read the sports section this morning?" Jim asked.

"I know, my hockey team lost."

"Yep, you sure know how to pick losing teams," he joked.

"What are you saying?" I replied as my self-talk kicked in. "Do you think I'm a loser?"

As our relationship grew, we challenged each other to draw closer to God. But when Jim tried to do this, feelings of doubt and uneasiness overwhelmed me. These feelings stemmed from a childhood experience. I had a friend who constantly gossiped about me, and when I found this out, I felt betrayed. When I started sharing my thoughts about God with Jim, I feared he would gossip about me as well, telling others of my insecurities.

In many other situations such as these, I didn't understand that my self-talk misinterpreted his words or misjudged his motives and caused the friction between us. But once I began to see the overwhelming and potentially destructive influence of self-talk, I knew something needed to change.

Controlling Self-Talk
I realized that controlling self-talk would take a combination of prayer and disciplined effort. Psalm 139:23-24 pointed me to the place to start in prayer: "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts." As I sought God's illumination and consciously focused on my thoughts, I could identify the self-talk that distorted the truth.

For example, Jim and I have competitive natures. However, I would often take losing personally. I had many excuses, and occasionally accused him of cheating. My words and actions led to clashes that drove a wedge between us. They also left me feeling guilty and helpless. I decided to find out what I was saying to myself.

Through prayer I received valuable insights. While growing up, I always felt I had to prove myself to my parents. It didn't matter how much I accomplished, it never quite met their expectations. Hidden in the recesses of my mind, I heard the voice of a domineering mother: "You're no good! You'll never amount to anything!" These thoughts drove me into a defeated mindset.

In reading through Galatians 5, I was reminded that one fruit of a Spirit-controlled life is self-control. I realized that I had the ability to control my thought life. I told myself, "My mother was uncaring and cold toward me. She was wrong for being this way. (Denial of past events doesn't work — being honest gives us the freedom to change.) However, I will choose not to continue this behavior. My Heavenly Father understands and cares for me, and I will choose to love myself and those around me."

I learned that this practice of counteracting self-talk is more effective if I memorize scriptures that remind me to keep true thoughts in the center of my mind. Philippians 4:8 reassures me that there are great benefits to thinking on things that are true, noble, excellent and praiseworthy, especially regarding the truth about myself as opposed to the memories of my mother's disparaging words.

As my thought-life changed, so did my responses and actions toward Jim. My defensive wall came down, and I could accept our good-natured bantering without getting angry. When I told Jim what I was doing, he was intrigued.

"I think it's time that I learned how to change my self-talk as well," he said one evening. "You've become a better friend, and I want to do the same." We praised God together; then he shared some experiences he'd always struggled with.

Jim and I have been friends for more than 10 years now. Our friendship continues to flourish as we both change our self-talk. Our only regret is that we didn't put this lesson into practice when we first became friends.