As part of a “welcome to manhood” ceremony for his son Seth, my life-long friend Tim Holler asked me to draft a letter to the 13-year-old and explain what I think it means to be a man.

Distilling my thoughts on manhood down to just a few pages required some serious soul-searching. Ultimately, I elected to focus on the critical issue of personal responsibility. This was the best gift I felt I could offer Seth, who was a just a toddler when I helped Tim and his wife, Pam, load up the U-Haul truck and leave the Golden State. I really hadn’t been a part of Seth’s life, so this was my “window of opportunity” to play a significant role.

The letter appears below, reprinted (with Seth’s permission) exactly as he received it back in 1996. I am told that Seth treasures that letter to this very day.

November 17, 1996

Dear Seth,

This will probably reach you late, but it is all the fault of your dad. That is one of the first things you need to learn as you enter male adulthood — it is always someone else’s fault. “Find a scapegoat” — that’s my motto! This is particularly helpful when the scapegoat can be your dad. I have found him useful for that purpose on many occasions.

Others will try to convince you that as you mature, you need to become more and more responsible and honorable. Not me.

“Why take the rap when Tim is standing right there?” That’s one of my other mottoes.
Let us suppose, for example, that I get a call from your dad a few weeks before your birthday, and he tells me about this neat father/son bonding/training welcome-to-manhood initiation thing he is going to do for you since you are turning 13. And let us suppose that he is collecting letters from key influential males, such as myself. And let us suppose that I agree to send such a letter, giving you wads of wisdom and encouragement that I have amassed over the years like dust bunnies behind a refrigerator that has not been cleaned since Jimmy Carter was President (who was attacked by a REAL bunny! Ask your dad sometime).

And let us suppose that I got kind of busy and just plain forgot. If that were to happen, I could ‘fess up (that is Southern talk for “spill the black-eyed peas”) that I am late and it is all my fault, thereby teaching you a valuable moral lesson about honesty and personal responsibility.

On the other hand, in keeping with Motto #1, I could also point out that your dad has known for a FULL THIRTEEN YEARS that this date was coming. He could have therefore given me THIRTEEN years to get ready for this momentous occasion, but he just schlepped along and then suddenly thrust it upon me a mere two weeks out. In fact, I could point out that Tim and I were in the same class in roughly third grade, so he, theoretically, could have asked me about this occasion during the Lyndon Johnson Administration.

So do you think for one moment that I am going to take the heat for this? Not on your Southern Drawl (which can also be blamed on your dad, who moved you at a very young age from California — where we all speak normally and surf every single day — to Memphis, where they invented humidity and insects).

Seth, your life will go so much better if you learn to pin everything on your pappy (that is, once again, Southern talk for “The Big Galoot Who Lives With Your Mom”).

Blaming someone else is what being a guy is all about. It all started with Adam, whose response to being caught eating the forbidden fruit was to point out, “Hey, I’m not the one who invented Eve! And it was HER idea! This must be YOUR fault, God!”

The fact that he got tossed out of the Garden of Eden over that incident, and also became mortal and eventually died and plunged the entire human race into moral decay does not detract from the genius of this defense. It merely gives us someone else to blame — Adam!

I hope you find this helpful. If not, don’t blame me!

Cordially,

Uncle Dave

(You will note that I said Seth still treasures this letter. I made no such assertion about his dad.)