From my earliest memories, I felt different from other guys. Prior to age 10 I was introduced to homosexuality by a neighbor friend. Even though our family was not religious, I felt shame and guilt. Up through the age of 10 there was a lot of sexual activity. After that initial introduction, I did not experience as much shame and guilt, but I didn’t tell anyone either!

One time my father, along with some of his male friends, caught me in a sex act. The men laughed, and my father ignored me. He never talked about what happened. For years I could hear those men laughing. It always brought back feelings of shame. I would have felt better if my father had talked to me about that incident. Also, he did not express his love for me. As a result I remained closer to my mother than my father. I believed he had rejected me, and therefore I rejected him and his masculinity.

When I was 10, our family converted to Christ and soon afterward we moved out of state. For a while things seemed to be normal, but as I approached puberty I became sexually attracted to men. Between the ages of 13 and 15, I was sexually involved with an older man and also had a sexual encounter with a relative. All this time, I felt different from others. Who am I? What is my identity?

Our family became deeply involved in church, and at 14 I felt called into active church ministry. During my college years I tagged myself “homosexual,” although doing so filled me with shame. Still, the longing for attachment to men was present. My self-image was extremely poor. I was not like other guys — sports-minded — and worse yet, I was clumsy at sports. I often wished that in high school my gym teachers had taught the games of football or basketball. They did not. Instead, they just said, “Go out and play ball!” It was humiliating always being the last one chosen on a team! My self-image worsened, and as a result my homosexual desires increased. College was rewarding academically, but “hellish” emotionally. I talked to two pastors and a couple of fellow students, but no one had any clear answers. Everyone thought marriage was the answer. How wrong they were!

I met a beautiful girl during college and married. Yet I struggled with letting go of my emotional attachment to men. When I finished college I entered church ministry. The first eight years were great — the desires lay dormant. But to my chagrin, they began to haunt me again. I discovered adult bookstores and pornography. They only increased my deep same-sex attractions and desires. One psychologist in the field of homosexuality has called homosexuality a symbolic confusion. I was truly confused about my identity as a person. Indeed, I was becoming more and more sexually compulsive. Instead of finding my true identity, I was moving toward the homosexual lifestyle. This activity led me deeper into same-sex attractions.

I loved my wife and children and had a successful marriage, but homosexuality had such a grip on me. I developed a public image and a private image. One was good, the other sinful. This thing inside me screamed to be fulfilled! I tried to live in both a secret world and a public world — an impossible task. One day my two worlds came together.

In my fourth pastorate, I met a young man with whom I developed a strong friendship and eventually a strong attraction. One weekend we went to a retreat, and my behavior toward him exposed me for who I was. He was devastated and told his wife. My secret was out! I resigned the pastorate under deep shame and guilt. It was difficult changing careers. It seemed my life was over. Fortunately, my wife and children stood by me, for which I have always been thankful.

During the next few years deep depression overtook me. I tried twice to commit suicide. I sought secular counseling, but the counselor believed change was impossible. For biblical reasons I could not continue in counseling with this man. I remained faithful to the church and tried to rebuild my spiritual life, finally entering into “prayer counseling,” which helped me forgive myself for failing the Lord, my family and my church.

As I grew spiritually, I felt the Lord leading me to begin a ministry to others in the same boat. I had suffered so deeply that I felt great empathy for others in homosexuality. I entered training in the field of homosexuality. At the same time, I found a Christian counselor who had a good understanding of the development of homosexuality. After several grueling years, I understood the roots of my homosexual desires and the influences of family and peers in the development of same-sex attractions.

I came to understand that environment causes homosexuality and that self-perceptions contribute to it. No one is born gay. I came to understand the influences the father, mother and peer relationships have on developing same-sex attractions. Today, I am free of those desires. Am I ever tempted? Certainly. I am human, and past experiences can bring up those desires, but today I know who I am — a heterosexual man who had a homosexual problem. When any attraction rears its ugly head, I search my soul for what the real issues are, and I can resolve those issues properly. Jesus is my Savior and friend, and the Holy Spirit fills me with the power to overcome any temptation. My life has been redeemed through the Lord and through good counseling. Today I know who I am!