“You’re such a calm person; you never get mad,” the wife of my husband’s best friend said to me.

It wasn’t that I didn’t get mad, but I had become an expert at denying my anger. Often I felt depressed because of turning my anger inward. I could only hold so much anger in, so intermittently I exploded (mostly at home). Like a volcano, eruptions sometimes went on for days. Denial, depression, explosion was the cycle I went through repeatedly when it came to dealing with anger. This cycle was destructive to me and to my family.

Here’s some of what I learned about handling anger in a better way.

ADMIT THAT YOU FEEL ANGRY
By denying anger, I was disobeying God, who says in Scripture, “Be angry.” (See Psalm 4:4 and Ephesians 4:26.)

Anger is not sinful, but what we do with our anger can be. The irony of my denying anger was that I was trying to avoid a negative response. In the end my response was more negative than if I had admitted and dealt with my anger promptly.

Sometimes I deny feeling angry because I become deluded into believing that good mothers, good wives and good friends don’t get angry.

STOP AND THINK
Once I admit anger, the goal is to avoid a destructive response. As a Christian I’ve learned that the Holy Spirit is there in the gap between feeling anger and responding to it, whispering “Wait” — and offering strength to do so.

Scripture gives further instruction: “Be angry, but sin not; commune with your own hearts on your beds, and be silent” (Psalm 4:4, RSV). To avoid sinning when angry, take time to think by getting away from the person with whom you’re angry and asking, “Why am I so angry?”

When I first started doing this, I would excuse myself in the midst of a disagreement if I felt anger building. “Where are you going?” my husband would ask.

“I have to think,” I would explain.

Once I had thought about why I was becoming mad or had written angry feelings in my journal, I was able to communicate clearly in the conflict and was in less danger of impulsively and angrily lashing out.

ASSESS EXPECTATIONS AND DEMANDS
Over time I realized that the root of my anger was unrealistic expectations. Often these expectations turned into demands. “Anger is a demand,” writes David Augsburger in Caring Enough to Confront. At times my anger became a hostage-taker communicating, “I won’t set you free until you meet my demands.”

One demand I’ve had is, “I demand that you be a perfect child, husband, friend.” Another is, “I demand that you change and be the way I think you should be.” These are unreasonable. So when I’m asking, “Why am I so angry?” I can also ask, “What am I demanding with my anger?”

For example, when my husband forgets or fails to do something he said he would, when I can’t get over the anger, I ask, “What am I demanding from him?” It may be, “I demand that he never forget or fail to do what I want him to do.” When assessing demands, look for key words like “never” and “always.”

We need to give our rigid expectations and demands to the Lord and ask Him to heal areas of our lives from which they originate.

TALK ABOUT YOUR ANGER
Rather than “you” statements (“You make me so mad”), I’ve learned to use “I” statements, which are less likely to bring on defensiveness and anger in the other person. Beyond that I have also learned not to say just, “I feel so mad at you.” Instead I use three underlying words a counselor suggested to express anger: “I feel frustrated when …,” “I feel afraid when …,” “I feel hurt when ….”

Avoid using a harsh tone to talk through anger. The advice in Proverbs 15:1 really works: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” I’ve discovered that a gentle answer turns away not only the other person’s wrath but also my own.

Sometimes the Lord may lead you to talk about your anger only to Him, because the other person will not or is not available to hear you. Pour out your anger to the Lord. Sometimes I take a walk to do this, or I write in my journal. No matter what you say to the Lord, He can take it. He will not lash back as a person might — even if you’re angry at Him.

LET GO OF ANGER
Ephesians 4:26-27 states, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” Holding on to anger is what produces a sinful response. Once you’ve asked yourself, “Why am I so angry?” and taken steps to communicate anger, let go of it. Avoid giving in to this kind of thinking: “I’ll let go of this anger when he lets go of his, or starts being nicer, or apologizes.” See if your anger is tied in with sins such as lack of forgiveness, hatred or self-centeredness — and confess those.

With some very hurtful situations, my anger glows anew in the morning though I let go of it the night before. Sometimes it’s necessary to let go repeatedly, especially as the Enemy tempts us to be angry again. The way he does this with me is to whisper, “Don’t forget how much he hurt you.” Then I find myself reliving the painful incident that brought on my anger.

Letting go of anger is not a weakness. There have been many situations in which it was only God’s strength that allowed me to let go.

The next time you ask yourself, “What do I do with all this anger?” follow it up with a few other questions. About what do I feel hurt, frustrated or afraid? What are my demands in this situation? Will talking about my anger help? What does God want me to do?

You can learn to control your anger instead of allowing it to control you. It is possible to be angry and not sin, but only when God is involved in the process. Commit your emotions to Him and He will show you a way — His way — of handling anger in your life.