I was 19 years old, just out of Bible college, when the letter came. It was from a businessman in my hometown who wanted to talk to me. He was suffering from emotional exhaustion, and his doctor told him to get out of town. We met, and one sentence out of our conversation rings in my head to the present: “I knew the day after I was married that I had made a mistake.”

In many years of ministry since, I have heard similar stories. In each case, warning flags had flown during courtship but had gone unheeded. For example, one man said to me, “Back there, standing at the altar for my first marriage, I said to myself, ‘I know I’m not going to keep these vows.’”

A Hidden Cause of Failure?
In the minds of many people — Christians included — lurking like a dangerous virus, is a notion that marriage is an experiment, even a lark. If it doesn’t work — well, nothing is forever. Right?

A woman at a Bible conference explained to me that as her wedding approached she knew in her heart that she didn’t really love the man. But invitations had gone out and presents were coming in, so she played out the sham romance to the end. The result? A 40-year loveless marriage.

A friend whose marriage had collapsed after 10 years told me that as their wedding drew near both he and his fiancée had admitted to one another that they probably shouldn’t marry. But instead of facing issues realistically, they decided they would forge ahead. The result was a decade of turmoil.

During 13 years as a college pastor I heard many other scenarios. A newly married female student told me that a few weeks before her wedding, her fiancé had turned up at her home drunk. But she and her parents weren’t about to call off the carefully planned ceremony. The marriage lasted two months.

All but one of these people professed Christian faith at the time of their weddings.

Some argue that such blunders can’t be helped because our hormones push us to decisions our minds don’t comprehend. After all, don’t we expect people in love to be a bit irrational? Others blame bad modeling at home, the divorce culture or anxieties that push the young to seize the moment because this may be their only chance.

In our world, romance — the emotional (and physiological) side of love — rules. All hail romance! Those of us who have kept romance alive in our marriages across many decades know the secrets of a marriage that stays fresh and growing. But is romance enough?

Counteracting the Irrational
Are there Christian insights that — if followed — could counteract the destructive notions that lead well-meaning Christians into marriages doomed to fail?

What about the simple biblical command that Christians should marry only Christians (2 Corinthians 6:14)? Knowing a prospective spouse’s depth of commitment in itself requires the serious exercise of God-given discernment.

Add to this the commonsense dictate that courtship should not advance to engagement until the couple has had opportunities to be together in a great variety of social situations. This includes time for each to become well acquainted with the family of the other. After all, one marries not only a mate; one marries a family.

Asking the Right Questions
As well, there are hard questions every person should ask even before talk of engagement begins. Here is a sampling:

• Does this person have a Christian faith at least as vital as mine?
• Does this person always tell the truth? Deep commitment on the part of one spouse does not overcome weak character in the other.
  
• Is he or she kind to children, to the elderly?
• Since past performance is the best predictor of future results, has this person shown a basic competence about life — in regards to work, school or even play?
• How about self control? Impulsive anger can be lethal.
• Since money factors into almost all marriage failures, what is my prospective partner’s history when it comes to earning and spending money?
• Do we argue? Marriage only accentuates unresolved differences.
  

If one or more such questions turn on a red light, this is a serious warning. Moreover, the value of pursuing such questions is that when we ask them of others, we must ask them of ourselves, and that can be enlightening as well.

Biblical Accountability
The Scriptures say personal judgment is enhanced by counsel: “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed” (Proverbs 15:22). There are sure to be mature, godly persons who can stand back from the emotions of the situation and, after prayer and reflection, offer helpful advice.

Well-trained pastoral counselors can administer personality tests or ask questions that trigger important discussions. Moreover, the counsel of others can help distinguish between normal fears in approaching such a serious undertaking and fears that arise from discernible perils in the relationship.

Whatever procedures we follow, Christians must remember that we are accountable to God in this, as in every other area of our lives. That conviction alone can slow down a relationship that may be heading for disaster.

The Apostle Paul wrote to the Ephesians, “Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is” (Ephesians 5:17). He meant that Christians should understand by diligent searching. The Proverbs teach that God gives — and expects us to use — the gift of good judgment: “The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge” (Proverbs 18:15).

All this may seem tedious in an age when many view steamy romance as the one thing needed for a promising marriage. However, when romance is reinforced by prayer, counsel and good judgment, we greatly reduce the possibility that someday we’ll be saying with furrowed brow, “I sort of knew it wasn’t the right thing, but I went ahead anyway.” o