Following her husband’s death, Andrea was left a young widow and single parent to a 9-year-old son. “The look of horror and shock on my son’s face when I had to explain that his dad had died is something I will never forget,” Andrea says. “When he cried, I wanted to soothe his heartache, to tell him it would be all right. But I was clueless about what to do next. How could we move on from that point?”

Andrea’s dilemma is common among those who have lost a loved one. Getting through the first year of bereavement is challenging, uncharted territory for surviving family members. Bereavement is both painful and isolating. It can break the heart and torment the mind. It can also be managed and shaped, enabling the bereaved to successfully navigate their way through. Here are some do’s and don’ts for making it through the first year of grief.

DO CONFRONT THE GRIEF. After the funeral is over, some people try to bury their grief by denying their feelings and avoiding unpleasant reminders. Those tactics simply delay grief recovery. Confront your grief head on and eventually you will win over it. After her husband Jack died, Mary found it painful to be back in church. “Every time I’m here, I see my husband’s casket going down the aisle.” She and Jack had been married four decades. When friends suggested she find another church, Mary said, “No, it would be easier to run away, but I have to face this.” Over time, the painful memory of the funeral service eased. “I’m much happier because I chose to stay,” she says. “I feel rooted and engaged in a place that is full of both joyous and devastating memories.”

DON’T HOLD BACK TEARS. It’s OK to cry. You may never resolve your grief if you try to conceal it. If you try to hide from your pain, you simply end up suffering alone. When your eyes well up, let the tears flow. Remember, you cry not because you are weak, but because you have suffered the loss of someone you love. Tears provide emotional release. Jesus was reported as crying when He learned that His friend Lazarus had died (John 11:35). One recent widower says, “I don’t fight it. When I feel like crying, I cry, and I always feel better!”

DO ATTEND A GRIEF SUPPORT GROUP. Some grievers deny themselves invaluable aid because they erroneously think a grief support group is depressing. But by participating in such a group, you will meet others who have had a similar experience and therefore truly understand what you are going through. Also, in a support group you will see people who are successfully dealing with grief issues. They will become your role models. If you’re wondering whether or not a support group is right for you, authors Martin M. Auz and Maureen Lyons Andrews suggest you attend if you have any of the following emotions or thoughts:

• “I think I need some help to understand my feelings.”
• “I can’t seem to let go.”
• “I’m so angry at (the person) for leaving me alone.”
• “I think I’m going crazy.”
• “No one wants to help me or be around me anymore.”
• “My family and friends want me to get help.”
• “No one understands what I’m going through.”
• “I blame God for my loss.”
• “I’ve lost my faith.”
• “Why am I so critical of others’ happiness?”
• “I still blame myself.”
• “I should have been the one to die.”

DON’T TURN TO ALCOHOL, DRUGS OR TRANQUILIZERS. All these do is numb the pain of loss. When the effect wears off, the pain remains. Drugs, alcohol and medication simply delay grief recovery. As painful as it is, the best way to deal with grief is by facing it directly and courageously. If your physician recommends medication, be guided by this insight from grief authority J. William Worden: “It is usually unadvisable to give antidepressant medications to people undergoing an acute grief reaction. These antidepressants take a long time to work, they rarely relieve normal grief symptoms, and they could pave the way for an abnormal grief response. I believe that drugs might be beneficial at the time of the loss when some sedation or help managing anxiety is useful. However, such administrations are usually of short duration and unnecessary in many cases.”

DO EDUCATE YOURSELF ABOUT GRIEF. Find books on grief and recovery. The information you gain will normalize your process and empower you to deal more effectively with various issues related to grieving. Let me suggest Grievers Ask by Harold Ivan Smith, Living When a Loved One Has Died by Earl Grollman, The Mourning Handbook by Helen Fitzgerald, and my own book, The Lord Is My Shepherd: A Psalm for the Grieving.

DON’T HINDER YOUR HEALING. This is done when you neglect your physical health while grieving. Beware of poor eating habits such as eating too much or too little. Be sure that your meals are nutritious and balanced. Also, make time for exercise. Grief is stressful. Exercise is an effective way for the body to shed the effects of stress. Find a physical activity you enjoy — walking, running, biking, yoga, swimming, etc. — and do it several times a week.

DO MAINTAIN HOPE. Claim the promise of Scripture: “Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away” (Isaiah 51:11). Trust in God and believe His words from Jeremiah: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; … I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt” (31:3-4). With faith in God, grief management and the passing of time, the pain eases. “It gets easier,” one man who had lost his father two years earlier told a grieving friend. “After the first year, you’ve already gone through all the markers — birthday, Father’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas. You’ve survived them.”

If you are not grieving at this time, some day you will. All of us do. Many more than once. Don’t be afraid. By God’s grace built into these basic principles, you can come through the hard first year with your faith and heart still intact.