I remember my early experiments with alcohol. For some reason, the consumption of this liquid produced what I thought were miraculous changes. I was more at ease socially. I was pretty. I could dance. In my mind, alcohol enabled me to be all I wanted to be. Best of all, I discovered that if I drank booze, it made my painful circumstances as well as all my painful memories easier to bear.

Because of my upbringing, I had very low self-esteem. I felt, as most alcoholics will share, not as good as other people. I didn’t feel I could succeed at things I attempted, and as a result, I usually didn’t try very hard.

Around the age of 20, I was attending a Baptist church on a regular basis but had not repented of my drinking ways. I remember going to church one morning in a very distressed state. I had a pint of rum in the car and desperately wanted a drink to kill the pain. I pulled into the church parking lot, but instead of going inside, I hesitated a moment. That morning sticks in my mind because I viewed it as a spiritual turning point for me. I could turn to God — or my bottle — with my troubles. I remember I hesitated and then pulled out of the parking lot, unscrewing the cap on the rum as I went. Today I believe that choice set me firmly on a road toward alcoholic destruction.

After my 21st birthday I progressed rapidly to being an every-day drinker. I didn’t drink large amounts at first, maybe three or four beers a day, but it was enough at the time. (Many years later, I drank 12 to 15 beers a day or a gallon and a half of vodka a week. Even further in my decline, I drank things containing alcohol such as mouthwash, cough syrup and food extract.) At this early point there was no way I could see where my drinking was heading. I didn’t see it as a problem, even when people close to me began to express concern.

As time went on, I avoided my friends almost entirely so that I might be able to drink as I wished. I couldn’t see how abnormal it was to trade family, friends and socializing for a bottle and solitude.

I drank for many years, merely existing to work, drink, pass out and wake up to do it all over again. Sometimes I was too hung over to work at all. I was spiritually dead and very depressed. I thought that God did not care much about me because of the environment in which He had allowed me to grow up. What did He expect of me other than for me to drown in my own pain? I wallowed in self-pity, resentment and fear. I made several suicide attempts and engaged in self-mutilation because I hated myself.

During a brief “dry” period, I became pregnant with my daughter. But in my sickness there were several times even during my pregnancy that I drank. Thankfully, God protected my baby, and no harm came to her from my drinking. Soon after she was born I began drinking every day again, only now I was worse. Alcoholism truly is a chronic and progressive disease that if untreated has three ends: jail, institutionalization and/or death.

In spite of my best efforts, God would not allow me to die during those dark times of absolute despair. I know today that His love for me is very great. He allowed me to get to a place where I had nowhere else to turn. I had lost everything except my now 2-year-old daughter, and the loss of her loomed imminent.

Finally, homeless, broke and sick physically, mentally and spiritually, I decided to move to a residential treatment facility. I felt that this place was my final hope. I wanted to go in there and not be let out for a long time, because on my own I couldn’t keep from buying alcohol or sleeping pills. I just wanted to be safe from myself.

I found myself reaching out and seeking God as I never had before. I told Him I was sorry for all I had done and that I didn’t want to be so bad but I just couldn’t stop drinking. I asked Him to please help me. I asked Jesus into my heart and prayed that He would walk with me each day and help me not take a drink. And you know what? When I turned my alcohol problem over to God, I made a beautiful beginning toward my recovery. In seeking God’s will for my life and striving to walk with Jesus each day, I’ve made a start on a rewarding new life. I’ve found wonderful fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous, where I first received the love of other alcoholics.

I’ve finally achieved lasting sobriety and spiritual recovery through the 12 steps that are based on biblical principles. I’m a member of a wonderful church where I’m happy to be of service however I can.

The Alcoholics Anonymous slogan “But for the grace of God …” rings so true for me today. Through the saving grace of God and His Son Jesus Christ, I am able to walk in this world free from the bondage of alcohol.