Men in Hiding
Abortion's Secret Victims
by Carol McGalliard

He sits next to you on Sunday morning — or maybe he has never been to church. He lives in a country-club neighborhood — or perhaps in assisted housing. He is an architect or carpenter, a trash collector or physician. His name is Jim or Pete or Hosea. He is one of 40 million men, one-third of our adult male population. And he has a secret. He is the father of a child that he cannot acknowledge, a child he never held, but a father nonetheless. He is the father of an aborted child.

Wayne Brauning, founder of MARC (Men's Abortion ReCovery), calls post-abortion fathers a "hidden people group," men silenced by guilt, fear, shame and sadness. Since it is neither politically correct nor socially acceptable to grieve an abortion, few men seek help for related problems.

Most post-abortion fathers never connect their struggles to the abortion of their child. Men usually make the connection when they seek counseling for various presenting problems, and in the process learn that their struggles are rooted in the wounds left by the abortion. Perhaps these fathers might contemplate the question, "Sir, have you considered that the hole you are feeling in the pit of your stomach may be connected to the death of your unborn child?"

Men in Hiding
Since Adam and Eve, we have tried to hide our guilt. But Proverbs warns that he who conceals his sin will not prosper. After David murdered Bathsheba's husband he wrote, "When I kept silent [about my sin], my bones wasted away … my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer" (Psalm 32:3-4).

Post-abortion fathers experience sapped strength in various ways. They struggle with anger and a tremendous sense of loss. Nightmares and flashbacks haunt them. Many battle depression, addictive behaviors or sexual dysfunction. Some become overly protective fathers, others so detached as to be almost absentee fathers. Some may be overly involved in church ministry, others totally indifferent. Some become emotionally aloof husbands; others become abusive. All of these behaviors are attempts to dull the pain, to hide the shame and guilt they feel.

Men's reluctance to share further complicates their problems. Men have been taught to bury their feelings, so they hide their guilt and pain. Fear of rejection and condemnation by the church drives them deeper into hiding, so they suffer in silent shame. Instead of being strong men who boldly stand for God, they become men in hiding, men who have deadened their hearts to life and to God. They isolate themselves from what they need most — a safe place to talk, to grieve and to find grace.

Safe Place
"Post-abortion fathers mistakenly think they can work through the problem by themselves if they pray and read the Bible, but this is not enough," says Brauning.

Hurting men need accountability; otherwise, they rationalize. They need help developing new attitudes, new thought patterns and new behaviors. Post-abortion fathers need someone strong enough to show their blind spots without labeling them, someone who invites honesty. These men need the compassion and encouragement only believers can offer, the acceptance they can offer because God has accepted them. With help these hurting men can become loving husbands and fathers. They can become strong, effective servant leaders in their churches. But they cannot do it alone. The wounds of abortion occurred in broken relationship, the death of a man's child. Healing comes within relationship as a man dares to confess his sin, reveal his struggles to others and receive their compassion rather than their condemnation.

David Reardon, in The Jericho Plan: Breaking Down the Walls Which Prevent Post-Abortion Healing, says post-abortion fathers need to know there are people who understand their grief. They are wounded, and they need to know it is normal to grieve, to feel devastated by abortion. Reardon calls Christians to become "stealth healers," people who openly express a new understanding of why people choose abortion and how that choice affects them. They mention programs providing post-abortion support. This knowledge may lead post-abortion fathers to seek help.*

Silence and secrecy, no matter the issue, keep us bound in fear, even make us sick (Proverbs 28:13). The remedy for the agonies of post-abortion fathers is the same as for King David - confession. When men bring their sin into the light of truth, they find the "times of refreshing" that come from knowing they are forgiven (Acts 3:19).

Warren Williams, of Fathers and Brothers Ministries, says that when men reveal their suffering, they have an immediate release of their pain. They may mistake this relief for total healing when actually their confession is only the beginning of the healing process. He cautions against believing that one conversation will be a cure-all.**

Truth Encounter
Pastor Don Miller of Westover Church, Greensboro, NC, finds that post-abortion fathers often are driven by false beliefs. "A man who participated in the abortion of his child believes he participated in an unforgivable act," says Miller. "He believes he will be rejected and condemned by any Christian who learns his secret. He may believe his participation in abortion makes him unworthy to serve in church. He feels too weak to be a protector for his children. He is unable to trust women because a woman agreed to abort his child. He questions his salvation, doubts his righteous standing."

Miller helps these men examine what they believe in the light of scripture. Using specific scripture to counter false beliefs helps give them a right perspective. When they recognize and reject the lies and replace them with truth, their behaviors change. Truth frees them to live as sons of the living God (Romans 8:15).

Because abortion is such a sensitive issue, pastors have hesitated to address the issue from the pulpit. They feared heaping more hurt and shame on those men and women who desperately need healing. Pastors now realize that the silent approach made abortion an untouchable, unforgivable issue in the minds of post-abortion men and women.

Miller says it is hard to say "God hates abortion" and then say "There is grace." It is devastating to hear that abortion is murder. But whenever he has spoken the truth about abortion and offered grace, there have always been some who say hearing both these truths changed their mind. They never understood abortion from a biblical perspective, never understood why abortion is wrong.

Leaders in the Making
Timothy Burrell volunteers at the Pregnancy Center in Durham, NC. He began volunteering to help others learn to make wise choices so they could avoid the crisis of unwanted pregnancy. During training, Burrell realized he had unresolved issues from the abortion of his first child, an abortion in which he was given no voice. For the first time, he had someone to help him deal with the secret that adversely affected his life. "If one man in a group will admit to the others that he has this skeleton in his closet and needs help, perhaps that one man's courage to speak up would become the inspiration for others in the group to also seek help and find healing," says Burrell.

Moses and David both committed murderous acts, yet God used Moses to lead the children of Israel out of Egypt. Scripture says Moses saw God face to face as a friend. Scripture called David a man after God's own heart (1 Samuel 13:14). These men acquired a deep knowledge of God's grace, a depth they could experience only through their failure and subsequent restoration. God can still use our worst failure to mold us into better people (Romans 8:28). From the pain of abortion He can fashion men who are a bold testimony of His healing love and mercy.

I have witnessed the bold testimony of men recovering from post-abortion pain. I have heard them recount the shame and sorrow of traumatic events and how they struggle because of them. I have watched the change in their countenance when they realize that others understand their pain. I have seen their weakness become the catalyst for a deeper faith than they imagined possible. I have witnessed the miracle of healing, a miracle that will be multiplied like the loaves and fishes as these brave men boldly step forward to encourage other hurting fathers to become the strong men God created them to be.